


Loss

by 55anon (Anon)



Category: Psycho-Pass
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-25
Updated: 2014-08-25
Packaged: 2018-02-14 16:50:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2199501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anon/pseuds/55anon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kougami and Masaoka have a heart to heart. About Ginoza, of course.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loss

 

One night, after drinks and trading stories about their top five cases, Kougami asks him about the old days, before the Sibyl system.  It doesn't surprise him.  He's been expecting questions from the boy since the first day he joined his son's team, and he's been mulling over answers.  Since the first day, he and Kougami have gotten along.  Since the first day, they've agreed instinctively about certain things- the feel of a crime scene, the minds of criminals, the fucked up nature of Sibyl.  Masaoka thoroughly enjoys teaching Kougami everything he knows about detective work.  They've grown closer with every case.  Shinya is like a son to him.  But working with Kougami, and facing each day with the impassable walls of his real son- he suddenly feels a need to tell Shinya some things.  Not a confession, not even advice.  Just, things as they stand now, in his life.

"'totsan- I didn't mean-" Shinya says quickly, mistaking his silence for disapproval.

He smiles.  "No, nothing like what you're thinking.  The memories aren't painful, but you reminded me of Nobuchika."

It's Shinya's turn to fall silent, struggling to keep his face blank.

"I know about you and my son," he says, kindly omitting the fact that everyone in the MWPSB had known about Kou-and-Gino.

"'totsan," Kougami exhales.

"I understand why you did what you had to do.  It was the same for me, when I felt I had to fight against the Sibyl system.  I knew that even if it cost me everything, I had to see it through to the end, because I couldn't live with myself otherwise."

Masaoka looks at their table littered with fast food wrappers and empty bottles.  Shinya is holding himself very still.

"Even today, I know that if I had to, I would make the same choices and pay the same price.  You know what they say- you can't teach an old dog new tricks.  If I had been in your place, I would have done exactly the same thing as you.  The only difference between now and twenty years ago is that now, I know what I lost."

He pauses, thinking of Kougami Shinya and the son he's become, thinking of Nobuchika and the distance they will never breach.  The wife he will never see again.

"Two years after you and my son became Inspectors, I was still working for Unit 3.  Around that time, there was office gossip going around that Nobuchika's mother was very sick.  Then they were saying that she had passed away," Masaoka looks down, a wry smile on his face.  Shinya doesn't look him in the eyes.  "I tried to find out more, but it turned out that her funeral had already taken place."

"It was liver cancer," Shinya replies.  "She had been tired and sick for a while before Gino took her to the doctor, and by then it was too late.  The cancer had already metastasized."

"She was always stubborn about going to the doctors," Masaoka says, the memory distant.

"I tried to get Gino to tell you, but he said he.. couldn't.  I'm sorry."

"It's all right, I don't blame you.  Nobuchika didn't want me there and your loyalty was to him, as it should be.  I'm telling you this because that was the moment I finally understood.  When I was demoted to Enforcer, I thought I knew the list of all the things I'd lost.  It was a list that fueled my anger on dark nights.  The truth is, it's the things I didn't know then that hurt the most now.  I lost my wife, but I never imagined I would miss her funeral.

"I'm a fool even now towards my son.  When he'd first joined the ranks, I thought that Nobuchika would find me and demand answers.  I was looking forward to our argument, where he would accuse me and I could tell him about the man I was when I'd made my decisions.  He would never understand me or agree with me, but I was willing to accept that, believing that with time he would come to see my side of things.  I waited to meet him face to face.

"But you know Nobu.  You were the first one I met, before I even knew who you were to my son.  Nobuchika didn't want to see me, so he made sure we never crossed paths.  I didn't realize this until three months had passed and the only things I knew about my own son were from office gossip.  That silence hurt more than anger.  I thought he was trying to punish me and get revenge."

"Gino.." Shinya hesitates.  Some part of him still holds their confidence sacred.  "He hoped- he feared- you would approach him.  I think he thought if it were meant to happen, it would happen."

"I know that now," Masaoka nods.  "I didn't know that then.  I kept my ear low to the ground and picked up bits and pieces about him."

"What did they say?"

"They always gossiped more about you than Nobuchika."

"Really?" Shinya grins, the rake in him emerging.

"You and Sasayama were always raising hell," Masaoka smiles with crow's feet.  "I learned a little about Nobuchika through your relationship.  It was a surprise to learn that my son is gay, but the more I found out about you, the more I was glad that Nobuchika had found such a partner."

Shinya looks away, pleased expression fading to doubt.

"You're a good man, Shinya.  I've never had doubts on that score.  Nobu-" he pauses.  "There was one day that you and Nobuchika were on a case and you'd brought in your dog, Dime.  You were searching through files during lunch, but Nobuchika went outside and played with Dime in the courtyard.  I was watching him with that dog from the office windows.

"That was when I saw- my son is nothing like me.  Somehow, I thought I would find some reflection of my own character, even though I had been completely absent from his life.  If I had been his father, I would never have let him have a dog.  I understood then that Nobuchika isn't like other people.  He carries silence inside him, silence that only hunted dogs understand."

Masaoka looks at Kougami directly.

"Shinya, I know you feel you've lost everything.  Take it from someone who's walked this road- the truth is you've only begun to lose what's most important.  I know you think you've lost your freedom, your place in society, your purpose.  You feel like everything that was important to you is gone because the Sibyl system is unjust.  But all those books you read were written by men who lived in unjust societies, and somehow life goes on.  It can't be helped that you and I are men who need to sacrifice everything while facing the truth.  In the end, my sacrifices made no difference to anyone except my wife and son.  They were the ones who paid the highest price.  
  
"I'm not telling you this because I blame you, Shinya.  I just want you to know what you're losing, so the grief doesn't surprise you when your time comes.  My son is a dog who gives his loyalty to only one person, and he gave it to you.  As soon as I understood this, I accepted that he and I would never have the connection that fathers have with their sons.  I left him when he was nine years old and he had to fend for himself.  I was glad you were there beside him.  
  
"'totsan-" Shinya says, but can't bring himself to continue.  Because the old man is right.  He has to finish this.  He has to follow it to the end, even if it costs him everything.  It's not something he can choose to stop.  He can't live with himself if he doesn't.

It just, never occurred to him he might keep losing things after it's over.  That the real losses start after everything is gone.

Ginoza's silence stretches between them.  Masaoka speaks quietly. 

"The ocean that separates you and Nobuchika isn't made from your demotion to Enforcer.  It's made from the details of each day you can't spend together- the things you didn't know you'd be losing.  I've forgotten what my wife's face looked like sleeping next to me.  I eat omelets trying to remember what hers tasted like in the mornings.  I've never seen Nobuchika smile.

"Real loss is never knowing what you lost in the first place.  Six months ago while you were visiting your old professor, Nobuchika had to rush Ron to the emergency animal hospital.  Kananomori got me the medical record- he'd died from internal hemorrhage.  They think he ate the rat poison someone had left out in the apartment building."

Comprehension finally, finally dawns in Shinya's eyes.

"He never told me."

The words hang in the air.

"When I was a young man, I fought Sibyl like I was fighting for my soul.  I thought freedom, choice, and justice were the most important questions in life.  I keep fighting because freedom is something every prisoner can hope to regain.  The real price I paid, the things I lost- they're things I can never regain.  No one can give back lost time.

"Sibyl is a system, Kou.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Crime and justice come and go with each age.  I'll be here with you, fighting to the end.  But understand this- you and I, we're the bastards who abandon their dogs to go to war.  We'll never find that kind of loyalty again."


End file.
